letters from dickinson to higginson
Thomas Johnson's Note on Letter 342
MANUSCRIPT: BPL (Higg 62). Ink. Envelope addressed: Mr. Higginson.
PUBLICATION: L (1894) 314; LL 275; L (1931) 284.
This note was delivered evidently by hand at the Amherst House, in response to one Higginson sent ED on his arrival, asking if he might call. She had expected him on the previous day, Monday. The following letter (BPL) Higginson wrote his wife that evening, dating it: Amherst/Tuesday 10 P.M.:
[That evening Higginson made this entry in his diary (HCL):]
I shan't sit up tonight to write you all about E.D. dearest but if you had read Mrs. Stoddardıs novels you could understand a house where each member runs his or her own selves. Yet I only saw her.
A large county lawyer's house, brown brick, with great trees & a garden - I sent up my card. A parlor dark & cool & stiffish, a few books & engravings & an open piano - Malbone & O D [Out Door] Paper among other books.
A step like a pattering childıs in entry & in glided a little plain woman with two smooth bands of reddish hair & a face a little like Belle Doveıs; not plainer - with no good feature - in a very plain & exquisitely clean white pique & a blue net worsted shawl. She came to me with two day lilies which she put in a sort of childlike way into my hand & said "These are my introduction" in a soft frightened breathless childlike voice - & added under her breath Forgive me if I am frightened; I never see strangers & hardly know what I say - but she talked soon & thenceforward continuously - & deferentially - sometimes stopping to ask me to talk instead of her - but readily recommencing. Manner between Angie Tilton & Mr. Alcott - but thoroughly ingenuous & simple which they are not & saying many things which you would have thought foolish & I wise - & some things you wd. hv. liked. I add a few over the page.
This is a lovely place, at least the view Hills everywhere, hardly mountains. I saw Dr. Stearns the Pres't of College - but the janitor cd. not be found to show me into the building I may try again tomorrow. I called on Mrs. Banfield & saw her five children - She looks much like H. H. when ill & was very cordial & friendly. Good night darling I am very sleep & do good to write you this much. Thine am I
I got here at 2 & leave at 9. E.D. dreamed all night of you (not me) & next day got my letter proposing to come here!! She only knew of you through a mention in my notice of Charlotte Hawes.
"Women talk: men are silent: that is why I dread women.
"My father only reads on Sunday - he reads lonely & rigorous books."
"If I read a book [and] it makes my whole body so cold no fire ever can warm me I know that is poetry. These are the only way I know it. Is there any other way."
"How do most people live without any thoughts. There are many people in the world (you must have noticed them in the street) How do they live. How do they get strength to put on their clothes in the morning"
"When I lost the use of my Eyes it was a comfort to think there were so few real books that I could easily find some one to read me all of them"
"Truth is such a rare thing it is delightful to tell it."
"I find ecstasy in living - the mere sense of living is joy enough"
I asked if she never felt want to employment, never going off the place & never seeing any visitor "I never thought of conceiving that I could ever have the slightest approach to such a want in all future time" (& added) "I feel that I have not expressed myself strongly enough."
She makes all the bread for her father only likes hers & says "& people must have puddings" this very dreamily, as if they were comets - so she makes them.
To Amherst, arrived there at 2 Saw Prest Stearns, Mrs. Banfield & Miss Dickinson (twice) a remarkable experience, quite equalling my expectation. A pleasant country town, unspeakably quiet in the summer aftn.
[Next day he wrote his wife again, enclosing further notes (BPL), on ED. He dated the letter: Wednesday noon]:
[The postscript of a letter Higginson wrote his sisters (HCL) on Sunday, 21 August, adds:]
I am stopping for dinner at White River Junction, dearest, & in a few hours shall be at Littleton thence to go to Bethlehem. This morning at 9 I left Amherst & sent you a letter last night. I shall mail this at L. putting with it another sheet about E.D. that is in my valise.
She said to me at parting "Gratitude is the only secret that cannot reveal itself."
I talked with Prest Stearns of Amherst about her - & found him a very pleasant companion in the cars. Before leaving today, I got in to the Museums & enjoyed them much; saw a meteoric stone almost as long as my arm & weighing 436 lbs! a big slice of some other planet. I fell in Colorado. The collection of bird tracks of extinct birds in stone is very wonderful & unique & other good things. I saw Mr. Dickinson this morning a little - thing dry & speechless - I saw what her life has been. Dr. S. says her sister is proud of her.
I wd. have stolen a totty meteor, dear but they were under glass.
Mrs. Bullard I have just met in this train with spouse & son - I shall ride up with her.
Some pretty glimpses of mts. but all is dry and burnt I never saw the river at Brattleboro so low.
Did I say I staid at Sargents in Boston & she still hopes for Newport.
This picture of Mrs Browning's tomb is from E.D. "Timothy Titcomb" [Dr. Holland] gave it to her.
I think I will mail this here as I hv. found time to write so much. I miss you little woman & wish you were here but you'd hate travelling.
E D again
"Could you tell me what home is"
"I never had a mother. I supposed a mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled."
"I never knew how to tell time by the clock till I was 15. My father thought he had taught me but I did not understand & I was afraid to say I did not & afraid to ask any one else lest he should know."
Her father was not severe I should think but remote. He did not wish them to read anything but the Bible. One day her brother brought home Kavanagh hid it under the piano cover & made signs to her & they read it: her father at least found it & was displeased. Perhaps it was before this that a student of his was amazed that they had never heard of Mrs. [Lydia Maria] Child & used to bring them books & hide in a bush by the door. They were then little things in short dresses with their feet on the rungs of the chair. After the first book she thought in ecstasy "This then is a book! And there are more of them!"
"Is it oblivion or absorption when things pass from our minds?"
Major Hunt interested her more than any man she ever saw. She remembered two things he said - that her great dog "understood gravitation" & when he said he should come again "in a year. If I say a shorter time it will be longer."
When I said I would come again some time she said "Say in a long time, that will be nearer. Some time is nothing."
After long disuse of her eyes she read Shakespeare & thought why is any other book needed.
I never was with any one who drained my nerve power so much. Without touching her, she drew form me. I am glad not to live near her. She often thought me tired & seemed very thoughtful of others.
Of course I hv. enjoyed my trip very very much. In Amherst I had a nice aftn & evng with my singular poetic correspondent & the remarkable cabinets of the College.
[Recalling the interview twenty years later, Higginson wrote in the Atlantic Monthly LXVIII (October 1891) 453:]
The impression undoubtedly made on me was that of an excess of tension, and of an abnormal life. Perhaps in time I could have got beyond that somewhat overstrained relation which not my will, but her needs, had forced upon us. Certainly I should have been most glad to bring it down to the level of simple truth and every-day comradeship; but it was not altogether easy. She was much too enigmatical a being for me to solve in an hour's interview, and an instinct told me that the slightest attempt at direct cross-examination would make her withdraw into her shell; I could only sit still and watch, as one does in the woods; I must name my bird without a gun, as recommended by Emerson.
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